Why Most People F*ck Up Their Goals

You Are the Captain of Your Soul!
Someone once spoke these now famous words:

“I am the master of my faith, I am the captain of my soul.

This is to say that we all have an opportunity to control our own minds and thus our actions. The main issue is, most people don’t know HOW they can use this control to change their lives for the better.

And they end up like this:

If that feels familiar, read on.

Where People Mess Up

The fact that you’re the captain of your life, doesn’t mean you’re a good captain!

Imagine this:

Let’s say you’re a captain and you direct your crew to set out north. Then, immediately after, you tell them to go West (hello Kanye!). You follow that up with the command to turn around and finally you curse every single crewmember for being an incompetent moron.

How much do you think your crew would like you?

Obviously, not very much… and they wouldn’t want to follow your orders!

Here’s a real-life example:

Person: “I’m going to quit smoking! I’m done with cigarettes! DONE!
Life: “Did someone say stress?” throws problems at person*
Person (internally): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Person: “Okay, just 1 cigarette to get rid of the stress!
Their Mind: “But… but… weren’t we supposed to quit?”
Person: “Forget that, I’ll stop tomorrow, right now I need this break.”

5 minutes later.

Person: “Ugh why am I suck so much and am I spineless?!” continues cursing himself for the entire day*
Their Mind: “But… I literally did what you asked!” cries in confusion*
 

You might have found yourself playing out a scenario similar to this (I know I sure have…). Because of this line of thinking, I used to hate myself for who I was… 

Breaking Free From This Pattern

Let’s get you soaring, flying! (High School Musical vibes anyone)

The first thing that I’d really like to impress upon you is that your mind (your subconscious) actually wants to help you! However, in order to do so, it needs clear instructions, guidance and reinforcement.

Let’s start with clear instructions, a.k.a. your goals and dreams.

To illustrate the #1 mistake, please don’t think of a pink kangaroo for me.

While you’re at it, I don’t want you to think of the White House either. Ignore any thoughts about a plane as well while you’re at it!

And notice what happens instead!

For almost everybody, you either got a picture in your mind (even for a fraction of a second) or you made some sort of representation of what I just said to you. Even though I clearly told you NOT to do so, what gives?

It’s because the mind does NOT handle negatives!

This is a common problem when it comes to setting goals.

When you were to ask 100 people what their goals are, you’ll notice that a lot of them tell you what they don’t want instead of what they DO want.

You’d get answers like:

• I don’t want to be in debt

• I don’t want another terrible relationship like that!

• I definitely don’t want a dead-end job

• I don’t want to be fat anymore

The issue? The mind doesn’t deal with negatives.

With these goals, here’s how your mind sees it and focuses on it:

• I don’t want to be in debt

• I don’t want another terrible relationship like that!

• I definitely don’t want a dead-end job

• I don’t want to be fat anymore

Ponder this question for a minute or two:

With this knowledge in mind, think about the goals you’ve set throughout your life and the results you got. Could it be true that you have gotten exactly what you asked for, even without you knowing it?

If yes, keep these two rules for goals in mind:

1. Get extremely specific in defining exactly what it is that you want. And make sure it’s stated in the positive. The general rule is that a 5 - 7 year old kid should be able to understand completely what it is you want.
   
   (Your subconscious, while powerful, roughly has the level of understanding that 5 - 7 year old has)
   

2. Describe and write out your goal with sensory language. A.k.a how do you feel when you achieve it, what do you see, hear, smell and so on? The more you can bring your goal to life, the easier it will be to stay consistent working towards it.
   
   Bonus tip: Ask yourself why achieving your goal is a must instead of a “want to”. This reason why will pull you through when nothing else will!

Do You Have Kermitment to Your Goals?

Puns aside, here’s a crucial element:

People often think that it is useful to punish themselves or verbally berate themselves when they make the mistake of “Oh just this once”. They confuse this punishment with motivation.

Interally, the opposite happens.

Think of this analogy:

If your boss or manager rules with an iron first, people will actually do what they ask… while the boss is around! However, they do so with great resentment and as soon as the cat leaves the office, the mice will start dancing the macarena!

It’s the same for our minds.

Punishment does work, but only temporarily.

For one, because we quickly become numb to our own punishment (and need something harsher constantly). Secondly because nobody likes criticism, and especially criticism from ourselves.

And so, you’ll eventually stop taking action altogether, because when you try and fail, your mind knows it will get criticism. With this approach, you push yourself into submission so that you can’t “fail”…

Which leads to inevitable failure… oh the irony!

What to Do Instead?

Ever had an amazing boss?

If so, they’d probably have given you clear instructions as to what to do, your goals are clear and consistent, they praise you for a job well done and they help you grow even further.

Be that person to yourself!

Celebrate your wins!

Remind yourself why you’re doing the difficult work!

Push yourself a bit further!

Acknowledge it when you’re falling short, but be kind and compassionate with yourself! Stimulate your good behavior, get back in the saddle and reward yourself as you do the things you DO want!

Additional Resources
Firstly, here’s a song that never fails to lift me up (sing/shout along)!

Over to You, My Friend!

The quality of your life depends on the quality of your actions.

So here are some actions you can take today to implement this:

1. If you’re currently setting “away from” (I don’t want) goals, get ultra specific on what it is that you want instead. Write it down properly with sensory language.
   

2. Define some small (and bigger) things you can do every day to move towards this goal. Remember it’s 140% fine to move slowly, just try to avoid moving backwards!
   

3. Even when you do, be compassionate with yourself and use the golden rule: If you wouldn’t shout at your best friend when they fuck up, don’t give yourself that treatment either! Use positive reinforcement instead!
   

4. Start reinforcing your desired behavior because what gets rewarded gets repeated! Remind yourself why you’re doing this and that your actions, though small, will compound to reaching your goals!
   

5. Turn life into a game! Try stringing together as many non-zero days in a row as you can! That is to say, make some progress every day, even when it’s tiny!

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I’m not an all-knowing oracle. I won’t claim to have all the answers or expertise to answer any question. If it’s within my knowledge and expertise however, I’ll break your question down to actionable insights, just like in this email!